I really intended for this blog to be for more than trans issues - I have links to feminist posts, political theories that I want to comment on, so on and so forth. Yet when it comes down to it, it's generally when I get hit by thoughts that I can't explain so easily that I turn to writing here. I need to improve that habit. But for today, I'm still talking about the trans thing.
Mostly, I'm talking about the nostalgia for the person, or people, that we could have been. Some people will say that they always knew that they identified differently from their assigned gender, for others it is a discovery. For some, including myself, it is a discovery which can make you look back and re-interpret events in your life.
But if you didn't always know that you were/would become a person living outside of cisgender expectations, then the journey to accepting that can include giving up a hell of a lot of dreams and expectations. Maybe having a family in a particular way, or working in a particular job suddenly becomes much farther out of your reach.
A few random examples - I would now be much less safe travelling in a lot of places. While I am lucky enough to live in a place with enough equal opportuinities legislation to be fairly confident that I will not be overtly discriminated against in the job market, unless I start passing and become entirely stealth then it will always be a factor in considering employment. A whole range of fields (including ones that I am particularly interested in) will be much harder to work in.
And...that's hopefully my self-pitying whinge out of the way for the evening. My sudden loss of privilege, it hurts :P
The particular trigger for that was considering my own future employment. You see, I know how to do job interviews presenting as a female. I learned over years how to dress and act, and I could do a reasonable facsimile of that even today (though I might have to engage in some colourful cursing afterwards). How to present as an employable, normative, professional guy, though? I know the body language tips, and the phrases...but they have not had enough time to become natural reactions - and goodness knows I can't seem to find a shirt to fit me decently.
I guess these things will come in time, with practice and assistance from the NHS. But damn, it does make me miss the person who knew how to dress and act appropriately, and the dreams of the future that that person had.
Here endeth the indulgent navel-gazing.